To meet me, some think I have it all together. Some say I’m strong, amazingly in control and even fearless. Others say I’m just plain crazy.
Well, yeah, they’re right.
Truth be told, I’m also broken.
Life is fragile and precious and it never quite turns out the way you originally planned.
21 years ago I married the love of my life and together we had two incredible children who, as parents would expect, taught us how to LOVE far beyond what we could have ever imagined.
The unexpected was having two kids born with Cystic Fibrosis and the excruciatingly painful lesson of how unbearable life can be when you bury your child because of it.
I’m forever broken.
I’m forever crazy.
I’m forever strong.
As most of you know, Jena was 13 when she moved up to heaven in 2006. Jena has graced me by leaving her heart in my soul. Her infectious smiling spirit remains alive and well and that keeps me broken… crazy… and strong.
My son Eric has a ‘Pain is not a valid reason for stopping’ tattoo which honors his sister and is a constant reminder to me.
But sometimes I want to stop.
Sometimes it’s so very hard not to throw in the towel and say ‘I just can’t do this anymore!’
This past month Eric had some dreadfully serious complications regarding Cystic Fibrosis. After the immediate crisis was over, it was all I could do to just breathe.
I was not strong. I was far from being in control. Fear once again invaded my thoughts and heart. I cried for hours and hours on end. All I could think was, I can’t lose him too!
As a mother we do all we can for our children, it’s what we do, and pain is not a valid reason for stopping. Either is fear.
So I cried, I yelled, I prayed…
and I cried some more.
Then, when I could…I got back up.
I can’t stop.
Pain and fear do not stand a chance against the power of LOVE.
I may be permanently broken but unlike all the King’s horsemen who failed to put Humpty Dumpty together, I’m held together by remarkable friends and family, loving generous hearts, and God’s grace.
I may be cracked but that’s ok.
I’m full of (Jena) pennies from heaven…♥♥♥
Again and again you touch my heart with your wonderful words. And every day I’m ridiculously happy to call you my friend. And every day I believe in the power of Jena Pennies! xxoo
Jena pennies, gifts from above…and friends like you make all the difference. xo
Amber @ Au Coeur says
Beautiful post, Margarete. Love you.
Thanks Amber. Thanks for everything…always. Love you.
Debbie K. says
You are quite the gal, Margarete .Strong ,Brave and vulnerable!! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.Its really ok to be weak at times. From the book ,”Surrender” by Father Larry Richards, I quote: ” Sometimes people focus way too much on their own weaknesses or lack of talents and have a little “pity party.” Think about this, when was Christ most powerful? When He was on the Cross! When He seemed most un-powerful,most weak, most vulnerable is when He saved the world! When you and I are most weak is when God can use us for HIs glory.He says to us the same thing He said to St. Paul: ” My Grace is sufficient for you,for my power is made perfect in weakness. As long as you are alive, God has a perfect plan in His will for you or you would not be alive. Trust in Him and His power,not on you and your weakness!! You, my friend are far from a weak lady!!! I ADMIRE YOU!!!
Thank you for your inspirational words! I totally agree, as long as I am alive…there is work and a plan to be done. I hope to see you again sometime soon.
emily kramer-golinkoff says
you should know that it’s you CF mamas (and parents, in general) who keep us CF’ers together and whole through it all. i truly believe it is your strength, love and passion that empowers us to push through the toughest of times and keep blazing forward with our heads held high. so thank YOU, CF parents, for all the amazing things you do. i think i speak for many CF’ers when i say we really couldn’t do any of it without you.
CF mamas do what we do because YOU do what YOU do! It’s the absolute least we can do…just trying to follow your example. Keep it up…and so will we! xoxox
Kathleen Lant says
I call you my friend, my split apart but at the end of the day we are mothers and fearless when it comes to our children. The strength we seem to find when we must protect them is indescribable. The pain we feel when they are hurt or neglect to take our advice or guidance is enough to drive anyone crazy!! The love that exists for them has no boundaries and the the lengths to which we will go to help them, comfort them, make them better border on insane but I know no other role I would willfully accept, no other role I would happily endure then the craziness that is being a mom! I am happy and so very grateful to be able to share my stories, my frustrations, my joy and happiness and listen to all you yours! So I guess if there was a job description that outlines the requirements for what we do when it comes to our children it would proudly read Broken, Crazy, Fearless and Strong!!! Love you!
Split apart…always. Broken, crazy and strong…yup, that be us! 🙂
I very rarely have no words. Right now is one of those times, because nothing I can say will matter– you’ve said it all. Not everyone who is broken can pick up the pieces, and fill the cracks with love. You are truly remarkable, ‘broken’, as you say, or not. Love to you and your family. <3
Laurie, I know the feeling of ‘no words’…I truly believe that’s when the heart takes over. It really amazes me that my struggles and my victories (shared in my writing) seem to touch the hearts of others. I guess that’s when I know that maybe I’m doing something right. Thank you…xoxoxo
I have trouble sleeping through the night, so I pray. .. I pray the Memorare, what I call the “mother’s prayer”. I pray to Mary as a mother, asking for a Mother’s help. I first met your mother-in -law, my friend and co-worker. I prayed for you, and Jena and Eric. Then I met you, and Marc. Two wonderful people, parents and friends too. I still pray for you all; the ” mother’s prayer”. (Once you are on my list, you don’t come off.) You are all special. I truly hope that my prayers are answered.
Our cracks and how we wear them show the true beauty of our characters. In your case… every crack is a symbol of a mother’s love.. and there is nothing more beautiful ~ You are beautiful <3